Thus Spake The Wussy

1. I will always apologize to people for every small mistake I make so that they know I have good intentions.
2. I will give gifts/presents to as many people as possible (especially women I like) so that they will like me.
3. I will always be "humble" (have low self esteem) so that I won't hurt anybody.
4. I will try to help others by solving their problems so that they will help me when I am in need.
5. I will wallow in self-pity when people reject me. I will think to myself: "what have I ever done to deserve this?.. I helped them so much and look what they did to me now..." and other "feel good" thoughts.
6. I will try to make friends with people on online communities (especially with those girls who have beautiful profile pics belonging to some random actress or model).
7. I will flatter people so that they will do the same to me (which makes me feel good).
8. ...

and ofcourse there are loads of other things which one might do in the same situation but I am fast phasing out and thus finding it hard to remember (wink wink) and capture the perfect example of the nervous, huddling bundle of less-than-nothingness.

PS: There's nothing wrong with helping people out. I still do it. But now I don't associate it with getting something back. The problem is finding the delicate balance between giving your time to someone else and to yourself. I better not give any advice on this since for some people sacrifice is important where as others stress on the importance of self service (and some people like to do both). The only point I would like to make is that if you feel the need to help someone then it would be preferable to "teach them fishing, rather than giving them fish every time they need one."

Home Is... Wherever You Decide It Is

Today, for some strange reason, I started humming the UAE national anthem. After being done with it, I tried to think back and remember whether any thing triggered such "patriotic" feelings. After finding no evidence of the same, I shrugged it off and thought that maybe the memory might have escaped from some inner recess of my subconscious mind and must have found its way to explode... or rather whimper out my vocal chords.

For those of you guys who don't know my history, I was born of Indian-Keralite (yes, they are a different political scenario, altogether) parents in the blazing hot deserts of the United Arab Emirates, in the then, small but rapidly growing, city of Sharjah. It was there, far away from the spiritual motherland of India, that the doctor, upon my silent and dignified entrance into the real world, slapped my butt to get me howling (no wonder we are, one and all, fated to get our asses kicked from that point on...).

Some things, you don't remember learning. You just know that you know them. The anthem was one of those. Must have memorized it while my brains had not yet received their ability to grasp thoughts and keep them. Those recordings are like the morning mists where one finds nothing when they probe into it. My school teachers must have made me learn it by rote before understanding was born between my ears. Another testimony to the power of parrot-like rote memorization.

Sharjah... where I will always find my way back to... Home and not home... but where I desire to be and long to see when rainy days lash out on me...

I Like to Move It, Move It

There was a time when I used to keep my mobile on ringtone mode. It became a thing of the past when the following scene repeated itself until i got the lesson:

me with friends
ring ring
me (oblivious to ringtone): blah blah blah
ring ring
me: more blah blah blah
ring ring
me: blah blah black sheep
ring ring
me notices people checking their mobile phones
ring ring
someone else to me: Rejoy! Your phone's ringing!!!
everybody else except me: hahaha

...me try to melt into the shadows,
cheeks red like a couple of tomatoes...

After that, I started putting the damned thing on silent-but-vibration mode. Of course there are circumstances when I am moving around and its not enough to just have it in my pants in said setting. Sometimes I feel that the perfect place would be to shove the thing up my @$$ to know whether the thing is vibrating when there is an in-cumming er... in-coming call. Fortunately and unfortunately (for my heterosexual ego and my callers respectively), thats never going to happen. I did think of ways to circumvent the issue. What about headphones? I thought. Naah! Too weird. I had been at the providing end of mocking smiles/chuckles when some random guy takes his call using a headphone giving the appearance that he is talking to thin air or worse, looking at me while he shouts at the top of his voice. But then again, there is this eternal debate of getting your brain fried on mobile phone induced electromagnetic waves (for and against). I am tired. You do the homework.

A Little B.O.B.

Nope. I am not talking about some guy named bob but do say hello to my theory initialized by B, O and B again. You might have had one of those days when some friend of yours (or maybe you but I would not want to put it that way since you might get offended... oops) is going on and on about some side they are taking on an issue. For example, is it nature or is it nurture which decides the development of a child? And they/you press on, quote the authorities, shout themselves hoarse, spit in the opponents face and do all that can be done to make the other party believe you. And sometimes its not so much that the others believe what we say as much as we trying to convince ourselves of the principles we have chosen to live by.

There is something going for debates. That you can actually intimidate others by presenting facts is some new kind (or the ever old tradition) of tactical warfare, is something which I call uniquely unique. And what any woman would immensely relish... I can almost hear them smacking their lips in anticipation ;). I remember that the very mention of the word "debate" used to freeze my blood in my halcyon school days. It always summoned up images of violence and gore. As if the contestants would at any moment just jump from the stage and at each others' throats while I could have participated as the active audience with popcorn in hand. Unfortunately that didn't ever happen otherwise we would have borne witness to our forefathers mode of resolution management which is "might is right" (is it me or is some types of related world politics scenario still in the dark ages? Clue: BUSH fire).

To cut to the chase, what I am trying to say is that the answer usually lies in embracing both options and suspending judgment. A little Bit Of Both (and from henceforth referred to as bob courtesy my-lazy-fingers). So, to the question of Nature/Nurture? bob! Creation or Evolution? bob! God or Nothing? bob or another bob! Love or Lust? Definitely BOB! Murder or... ah ah aah. And of course like any good theorists, I must know when to make the exception. So, next time you get to an argument, see if this works for you. If it doesn't, to hell with it, write to me, or we could go out for coffee to argue between bob and... any other three lettered acronym you want to throw at me.

PS: I would like to take a moment here to pray that the soul of Bob Woolmer rest in peace. If he was murdered, let justice be carried out against those who dared to lay their hands on the life of a teacher and a human being. Over and out...

Get Moving to Blow up Your Mind

Study shows that the ever exercising jock is actually the best potential nerd-to-be. Here's another excuse to get/remain fit.

Its Time To Give A Damn

Sometimes, one of your friends/acquaintances gives you their inattention when you are talking to them(assuming that you are not speaking something obviously stupid ;). This happens due to one of the following reasons:

1. Something else is on their mind.
2. They are playing power games with you.
3. They think you below their "status"

You can make out its case (1), if he/she immediately apologizes and asks you to repeat what you were saying. The story continues and case closed. Case (2) means that he/she thinks that one way to enslave you is to make you crave for their attention. If they give less of it, you want it even more. And case (3) is similar to case (2) except that your supposed friend actually believes that you are not worth it. Here's the best way to handle 2 and 3: Ignore them for a change. This sends out the message that you too can be hard-to-get and you do not need to be with people who either give a damn or don't. And don't get hung up over it. Move on. Its time to get yourself real friends.

PS: The same can be said for people who want to get your money, stab you in the back, don't pick-up/return your phone calls, talk negative shit and leave you bleeding after you have been there for them, as long as you had known them. That's when you know that its time to tell them goodbye.

What Are We About?

After spending time with Ajai yesterday, on what would have normally been a slow Sunday for me, it reminded and confirmed the fact again to me of how important goals are for living a fuller life. My friend's passion to fulfill a certain ambition of his was an inspiring testimony to just how we need that extra anchor in our lives besides having a family to love and good friends to cherish.

I guess the goal doesn't matter as long as it has a personal significance to your own yours truly and become what we want ourselves to be, on our own terms.

Makes it easier to jump out of bed, early in the morning too...

PS: While Ajai was making his "great escape" from Orkut, he forgot to rescue the testimonial I had written for him. So here it is, the upgraded version:

Ajai is Mr. .NET :-). He is very interested in programming and will write a lot of useful/useless applications in C# just for the fun of it. I remember him jumping up and down when he was trying out the new .NET development IDE of Visual Studio 2005.
When he was my neighbor, we used meet over at his residence on a regular basis to watch loads of Popeye, Richie Rich and Tom-and-Jerry shows if there was no Jackie Chan movie running :-)
We share a lot of similarities, one of which is the rare commonality that both of us won't have anything to do with cricket. "Run Ajai! They are picking up stones to throw at us!!!"

Honeymoon Travels

This hindi film surprisingly clicked for this hopless and optimistic romantic. Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby present you the Not-Fair-Too Awards (Name changed due to copyright reasons)

The Krish Award goes to Abhay Deol and Minissha Lamba. Great chemistry, idealism and red-caped costumes.

Best Realistic Couple Award goes to Boman Irani and Shabana Azmi. For an excellent, all round, power packed, softened in a silk glove performance.

Most Entertaining, Opposites Attract Couple Award goes to Kay Kay Menon and Raima Sen. KK played to perfection the role of a stuckup husband until a bottle of coked-coke gets him loose. But the unexpected package was Raima. She sizzles at letting down her raven black hair, naughty bedroom tricks and martial arts. Go girl!

Typical Aggressive Hero and Submissive Heroine Award goes to Arjun Rampal and Dia Mirza. The guy is in your face, tough as nails. The girl's in god's face, mumbling request after prayer request and cries herself rivers on demand.

Most Irritating in a Sweet Way Award goes to Amisha Patel. Cute in the way mouse Jerry is.

Really Gay Couple Award goes to *Censored*. No comments ;)

Tough as Nails But Spunky Award goes to Sandhya Mridul. Its not easy to put up with being cheated on. Even harder when it happens twice.

Best A$$-h*** Award goes to the guy playing Dia Mirza's husband. Post Arjun Rampal, gets him relegated to being the ex-hubby.

Best Soundtrack Award goes to Sajani Vaari Vaari. A very groovy and funky number. I couldn't help my legs going out of control. Click on play to get the hint:

Warning!!! Music is catchy but gets SCRATCHY at the end. Lower volume @ 1:22 minutes

The Will to Go On

Throw me some of your stares,
mixed with disdain and scathing reviews
Would i give a damn or show some care?
Its like diamonds meeting the morning dew

In the end its me to be answered to
not another heart which beats semi-silent within
Even conscience i spit at, its protests noting nothing new
old as me is its tired, grotesque and guilt colored prism

Dig out the rotting caracass,
from the ancient grave of my soul, with passion
The tree bears fruit no longer, its all a farce
And the fire, its roots and leafless limbs, shall gather and ashen

The lessons of the giants are plain and simple
Just climb up and stand on the top mosts' shoulder
Lookout to see whats they have seen and treasured
Be open and ready to be the foundation of another

Propel the soul and the harley's motor,
since the highway's clear and the sky's not so blue
Then stick out the leather jacket collar
and ride into the inevitable storm thats always waiting for me and you

Wimbledon

Wimbledon. I don't want to waste my time hinting at the plot. Its worth the mention because it has a lot going for it. The old under-dog comeback, Kirsten Dunst playing the muse, family/friendship/love/business/(fill in your favorite relationship) ties getting fixed (we are speaking of all types of permutations and combinations here like father-mother, father-son, between-brothers, between-friends, bf-gf, tennis-star--ball-boy, client-agent, and the list goes on), hero-defending-heroine's-honor, the guy-n-gal's great paparazzi escape, the ever reliable British humor (Here's a sample. Bad guy Jake : "I tried to warn you about her. By the way, how's the weak back?" Cool dude Peter: "It's fine. Thanks. How's the weak mind?"), and one memorable/sticky soundtrack (This Year's Love).

Hide and Seek for the Peek a Boo

Since getting the peek-a-boo comment-feature up on our shiny New Blogger has left Hem feeling "finicky" and me scratching my head like a monkey for quite some time, here is the solution, once and for all!

(Thanks to Stephen Paul Weber for this great stuff)

The Anti-Climax

The scene: one of those Bangalore-Kerala trips for the vacations
The venue: a random semi-sleeper bus with LOUD t.v.
The thing: I was making my way, to and fro, between those blurry states of sleep and wakefulness when I notice that there was a new tamil movie playing on said television. Hmmm... here's something new. I see the villain going around with his somehow uglier looking sidekick. What's this? It seems that baddy is looking to take a wife! And surprise of surprises! He is actually quite decent about it by going about visiting families and formally asking the girls' parents etcetera. I am wide awake due to this unusual turn in events and resolve to see this through. An hour later, the hero has not shown up and I am drifting to dream-world... when WHAM! I am feel this giant psychological whack on my head and suddenly realize that it was not the bad guy I was looking at this whole time but the hero! That's when my system finally shut's down early in the morning and I get back to my world of sweet, zipped z's.

Wings Over The Seas

(21/12/2002)
(For my sister Reni)

Little bird,
Your wings are grown
For a long time, you were our baby,
the youngest, the apple of our eyes

We see you take hesitant steps
into the outside world
That heart in you is growing stronger
and those arms are willing to be tested

You swoop down,
and for the first time
no help is needed
Be steadfast, we encourage you

Step out of our shadows
O fiery one
Fly yourself, guide yourself
and do not forget the prayers
that we learned together
Chirp and sing out, trilling
Let your songs be heard
in all valleys
And may the mountains be your resting places

The world waits for each of us
Choose your part, do it well
Go! God Himself has sent you

Our prayer is that
you will find the Way
Our desire is that
our little one will remain True
God is all around
and mankind waits for healthy springs of Love

We give our blessings
may He multiply them
May sorrow strengthen you,
allow Joy to lift you up
And let peace be that
constant companion
who never deserts you, O flying one
as you soar above the seas

Born of the Stars

My journey into self-analysis using astrology began when a former colleague pushed Linda Goodman's Sun Signs into my hands a few years ago. Now, the book remains un-returned but I have made amends by using the book every time I need to remind me of myself or when a prospective friend or girlfriend walks over the horizon into my life.

Although I pride myself in using reason as my only choice of weapon for my day to day interactions with myself and others, I have found that the personality analysis of the twelve star signs are an accurate portrayal of the various mass of humanity I have encountered so far. Initially, I did try to explain it away by telling myself that it was just a variation of the placebo effect or self fulfilling prophecy or some such explainable science which was interfering with my thought process but the evidence was over-whelming and even allowed me to understand the motivations that drove my friends. More importantly, it did provide enough fodder for my own mind and ways I could reduce the negatives that could arise out of my personality makeup and lay traps to discourage the same. And to also celebrate my own uniqueness and not be ashamed for the wonderful Leo and Rooster (Chinese sign) I was and will always be.

Here's some for you:
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces.

The "External links" section is worth pursuing.

And for those who want to try Chinese: I found that it had some useful stuff to offer too. First, go here to find your Chinese sign and then here for detailed information (Click on your corresponding animal). Have fun!

PS: Other ways to know more about yourself are by doing the various personality tests which you can find for free, floating round the web. Just google "personality tests"

Cygwin: Getting Linux on Windows

I started using Linux after reading about how Microsoft used to conduct its business with its customary "pain in everybody else's ass" attitude. The blue screen of death kind off helped too. I then began to experiment with various versions of Linux including Redhat, SUSE and Mandrake(currently Mandriva). They were neat but they always lacked something or the other. Like the inability to play great looking windows games. Or when you needed to use the internet and you had not figured out how to configure the connection configuration between Linux and the web yet. It is kind of annoying to reboot every time you wanted to switch between these two operating systems that I was seriously considering trying some other options to make my life and open-source philosophy click together. And thats when I came across Cygwin. Its a great piece of code which you can install on your Windows XP (or NT, 2000, 2003 Server) machine which allows it to act like a Unix terminal. It can even run those graphical applications as long as you have installed the required software. Installation is easy and intuitive. If you don't know Linux or any of its various *nix cousins but want to give it an experimental shot, then here's the chance to learn one without undergoing the torture of having to partition your PC disk or having to totally abstain from using Windows while you are at it. Since I am currently trying to teach myself development under Unix, I selected the whole programming package during setup. Try it out some time.

The Ideal Form

Those who have watched me grow into the equivalent size of a small elephant have mixed reactions on my shrinking back to almost human proportions (@ 75kgs). My school buddies and collage mates are pleasantly surprised when they see me grinning back to them on my orkut profile pic. My work colleagues don't know about the transformation since it happened before I got my sorry ass in to any form of career here in Bangalore. But when I do mention to some of them that I had been over a 105 kilograms at the peak of my weight gaining lifestyle, their mouths go wide open and hit the floor. On the other hand, my relatives went berserk with rage when I got back to Kerala after the diet. They then proceeded to try to pump me up to my former self from which I somehow managed to escape. Whew! That was close!

(Me looking sheepish): Well, the only clue I can give to explain for my current state of "lean and mean" body mass is the movie Just Friends.

Back to serious matters, if you want to find out what's the ideal weight for your body type, go here. All the best to those who are gonna want to make themselves leaner. You'll need it.

An Ode to My Friend (this one's for you Sampath)

I have this addiction for writing orkut testimonials as those who were at the receiving end would testify. Its not orkut per se which gets my fingers go typity-type on the keyboard but the intersection of my skills with psycho-analyzing people, writing and my God given talent to bug people no end. Hmmm... hopefully my friends are not aware of the last point. Anyways. I had always wanted to write one for my dear friend Sampath but the fellow, for some strange reason, doesn't want to get himself to sign up a profile for himself. Even gentle probing to ferret out the reason is met with polite diversion of said topic. So, here's my revenge! One testimonial coming right up, served hot and piping:

My initial assessment of Sampath happened when we both were being trained in SRIT where we started at the botton of the career ladder (or at the starting point of our hamster wheeled rat race. Take your pick) as project trainees. We were both freshers then, filled with enthusiasm to be all and give all. Back then, Sampath struck me as an easy going character. That was the problem. He seemed TOO easy going. Like those banana-skin-on-the-floor-OOPS-slip-CRASH kind of people who disappear into the mists after landing on some similar shit and finally landing very hard on their ass.

When we were being alloted our PC seating arrangement, we got to sit near each other. And thus began the slow odyssey into learning about each other. While we worked, we took the occasional break together making the usual office chit-chat or picking our mugs up for those memorable rounds of coffee/tea time. And since most of our other friends were placed in the opposite corner of the floor, we also took time out to make regular visits to them and begin leg pulling some innocent soul. Lunch time had us herding into the canteen queue like two peas in the same pod and many frustrated waiting-for-lunch-to-arrive-from-disneyland was bearable just because we had each other. Or more precisely: We did our verbal bashing as a team and pounded our colleagues as if we were the office version of Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi. And like that controversial pair, we did have disagreements. But that didn't stop us from accepting each other for who we were since we both shared one important goal. And that was self-improvement. Many were the days when we used to walk from Brookefields to K-Gate, a distance of one kilometer, having conversations which were deep or shallow according to what tsunami was playing havoc with our minds. When one of us needed encouragement, a listening board or just plain old cheering up, the other gave it to him in accordance with the rules of demand and supply. We were so inseparable that if by some fate of luck/unluck we were caught alone by our colleagues we would naturally be asked: "Where is ?". And before this turns into the slightly embarrassing moment Joey and Chandler experiences in the sitcom Friends after they have done their hugging bit, I better clear my throat and think of getting myself a can of beer.

It would be reasonable for the reader to now ask the important question: "How did you guys ever get work done?". We almost didn't. But then, unlike many of our friends, we had brains and I will say no more on that topic ;).

And after that long introduction, here is my bit on the Sampath of 2007. Its not much, but its the least I can do:

1) Sampath has this very relaxed body language. This was immediately observable to me when I used to watch how he interacted with others. Its very easy for anyone to just walk up to him and start a conversation and many people do just that.

2) He has a soft corner for Rahul Dravid. Not just because he is a great cricketer but because he is a very good human being. Plain and simple. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one. Its easy for us to understand a person based on who they look up to. I didn't give a damn about cricket before I met Sampath and I still don't. But "The Wall" has earned some of my admiration with a little help from Sampath.

3) I also learned much about Swami Vivekananda's teachings from him and another common friend we shared by the name of Sanal. I realized that many of his teachings were on par with many western philosophers. But that was not the important point for Sampath and me. We both agreed to the view that we would pick up what was right regardless of who was teaching it.

4) As already mentioned before, there is a bit of playfulness in this guy which enables him to say something funny or make people laugh often. Its something he picked up from his school and engineering days.

5) And that sense of humor he will definitely find useful alongside the seriousness he has adopted for himself to achieve some major goals in his life. Don't ask me what they are. Its enough that each person know his or her own. I am proud, as a brother, to say that he has claimed some very good ambitions for himself and that I wish him luck in all those heavy but delightful endeavors.

Yes. The so called "initial assessment" of mine of Sampath (mentioned in paragraph 2, line 1) was right. But the mistake I had made was assuming that he would stay the same. I forgot to remember the assumption that "people do change..."

And so Sampath, my friend: Here's to what life will bring you and what you will bring out of life. All the best and Congrats on the Mindtree offer. May we all go to greater heights. Goodbye. For now.

Some Timely Opportunities, I Do Not Need

Sometimes, when I am on the Bangalore road, minding my own business and going someplace where I can do my... er my own business, I get asked what time it is. At first, I thought I could at least be polite and give them what they asked for using my trusty Casio AW-80 (check out the pic on the left).

Imagine my surprise when this seemingly helpful gesture from my side lead to some surpisingly unpredictable results. Like when I give him the time and the person furrows his brows questioningly. I guess he doesn't understand english. So I thrust my watch to his face. Sometimes he asks me whether I know kannada and is offended when I don't. Some of them give me long lectures on the concerned topic. These sort of situations are easy to handle since I look elsewhere and pretend that I cannot hear what they are saying. And since they are preaching to me in kannada, this doesn't help their case anyway.

There has even been times when its the middle of the night and someone pops at my side to ask me the innocent question. Now, I am sensibly paranoid during such hours since we never know when some gang of thieves would want to jump me and take of with my valuables including my watch. When I keep quiet in such cases, they start getting verbally violent and ask me louder while vigorously pointing to my wrist watch.

That was the last straw and I vowed that I would not wear the damned gadget any more. Nowadays, you might catch me whipping my mobile like some old western cowboy when I want to know the time. Come to think of it, that might be the reason why dad doesn't wear one. I'll be damned...

Of Desires and Tendencies *

*Note: This post contains mature themes such as homosexuality, child molestation and homophobia. Ask yourself whether its okay for you to proceed reading this article. Its a short history of how I, a heterosexual, had to learn to deal with my own fears regarding gays, theoretically and experientially. There is only good reason which justifies my posting this and that is the possibility that someone else is also trying to figure out his/her feelings on the same and that a little help might be useful to get them in the right direction.

"It got Lawrence to thinking. From an evolutionary standpoint, what was the point of having people around who were not inclined to have offspring? There must be some good, and fairly subtle, reason for it.
The only thing he could work out was that it was groups of people - societies - rather than individual creatures, who were now trying to out-produce and/or kill each other, and that, in a society, there was plenty of room for someone who didn't have kids as long as he was up to something useful."
-Cryptonomicon

Since things like these usually have a story behind them, here's mine:

Scene 1: I must have been around my middle-teens when I had my first encounter with a homosexual. This was while I was living in Sharjah and I was walking back home from the bus-stop. A man stopped me and asked for directions. Since it was nearby, I walked him to my building and told him to go further on and he would reach his destination. As I entered my apartment complex, he started following me. While I walked up the stair-case, he runs up to me and starts to touch me near the area below the waist while at the same time making indecent gestures at his own pelvis. I am scared shitless so I run to the elevator, get it to open and jump abroad leaving the pervert on the ground floor. Thankfully, that's the last I see of him.

Scene 2: While I was working in Accenture for its BPO section in Bangalore, a colleague started sending weird messages to my cellphone. It did sound strange and I told him frankly that his sms' were sounding gay. He denied it was anything like that and so I told him that I didn't have any problems with people being what they were but please leave me out of it since I was happily hetero. At this point he confides to me that he's actually not gay but that a male friend of his did get him drunk once and took advantage of him. After I left Accenture, I never heard of him either.

Scene 3: This happened a few days back while I was traveling in a public bus (in Bangalore again). I am standing inside and holding one of the bars located on the roof with my right hand. After a while I feel that the person in front of me is staring at me so I look back. He has this strange look on his face and continues looking me in the eyes. I don't know what to make of it and I gaze away. Then he positions his hand near my right hand and tries to put his fingers in my hand so I just pull my hand back. The message is still not clear for him and he tries to get my attention by hitting my elbow once in a while with his own. I feel my anger rising but I act as if I don't understand what's happening and get out as quickly as possible when my stop comes over.

It was unfortunate that my first experience with a homosexual should also be with a child-molester. Of course, scene 1 is not a clear representation of most gays but that doesn't register in my mind then. Thus begins my aversion to men who prefer men the way I prefer women. My Catholic upbringing also reinforces the idea that they would all go to hell some day and I didn't have to bother myself by thinking about them anymore.

After I start college and get myself a more "liberal" education, I start opening my mind to the fact that gays and lesbians are people like us and that they were just wired that way through no fault of their own. Since I was not still fully convinced with the scientific reasons of such cases (is it nature or nurture?), I resolved the case by telling myself that since everyone could do what they wanted with their life, so I wouldn't have to mind what they did so long as they didn't want me in the picture. That's how I could handle scene 2.

Scene 3 was not pretty. It triggered my initial fears and homophobic reaction. And I suddenly realized that one of the reasons why some heterosexuals beat up homosexuals is that they, on some level, harbor the fear that they might get raped by gays and that the best defense would be to attack. I tried thinking it through but it was real difficult for me to get myself to think logically for two days. After a while, I got a different track and started thinking about some of the crushes I have had on some of the beautiful babes I had met in Bangalore. I also recounted to myself of some cases where some girls had taken a special liking to me too. This led me to remember a particular lady who I liked at my work. I had sent her an sms expressing my feelings when I left the place but she didn't reply to it. Emails were unanswered and when I tried to call her, she didn't pick up the phone. While I am going down this memory lane I suddenly realize that my previous feelings of homophobia were gone. Poof!

Here's what happened. In the bus, it was gay-boy and me. While I was thinking about the girl who didn't return my calls, I actually stepped into the shoes of the homosexual for a moment. The scenario was the same. I was not showing any signs of reciprocating the gay's feelings which was similar to the girl's psychological rejection of my own feelings for her.

This made me regain my original state of mind and I could finally see things clearly. Rather than be angry at him, I realized that the other person was just different and that I could not do anything about it. And that was okay since that's how it should be.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - Elwyn B. W.

You got it almost right, buddy. The answer is to improve the world by doing something that you enjoy :)